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# Melons
- URL: https://dianaludwick.com/nice-melons/
- Published: 2026-07-18T22:01:54.000Z
- Updated: 2026-07-18T22:01:54.000Z
- Description: “Melons,” written Saturday, July 18, poem 199 in a series of 365 poems written by Diana Ludwick in 2026. Photo, "Nice Melons," by Diana Ludwick (c) 2026.
- Author: Diana Ludwick
- Tags: 2026 Poetry Challenge, Humor, Loosely Hinged, Poems, Pun-y / Tongue-in-Cheek, Unserious, Breasts, Busted, Candlelit, Consideration, Couple's Massage, Emily Post, Etiquette, Female Relationships, Friendships, Honesty, July, Mammogram, Massage, Melons, P.P.S., P.S., Pajama-ing Hour, Respect, Riggggggghhhhhtt???!, Stranger, Suburbs, Summer, Thai, #Migrated-1792872215677, #wp, #wp-post, #Import 2026-10-24 20:03

**To:** Ms.Emily Post  
  
  
Dear Emily,  
  
Please do help me   
in my hour of need.  
What is the correct, proper way   
to respond when your   
neighbor-slash-walking   
partner-slash friend  
exclaims, in front of a stranger:  
  
**“Whoa! Your breasts are *GREAT*!** 
**“How have I never seen them before???”**   
  
For further context,   
in this situation you are topless  
freshly undressed   
for a couples massage  
— make that two separate massages   
at the same time in the same room —   
and you are in the midst of   
that three-second jump   
from the locker area   
to the massage table   
and you are exposed   
for the slimmest of seconds   
and yet attract   
all the attention in the room?  
And you’re only there  
in this surreality  
because you’d   
already gotten your   
dip mani on Monday  
and you didn’t need to go   
to the nail salon again   
for her appointment on Thursday  
and you didn’t have it in you   
to meet for drinks   
on Friday night   
after the Pajama-ing Hour.  
and yet   
you still want to bond  
and reunite   
after three weeks  
of being countries apart  
from your shared exercise  
and gossiping routine.  
So you settle on:  
“Yes, sure!  
“I’ll attend a massage with you.  
“Why not!”   
  
Because, Ms. Post,   
in the dim candlelight  
of a Thai massage room  
here I am with my bosom friend.   
And she has given   
my untethered pair a shout-out.  
And I need to know,   
like, now.  
  
And I know you uphold  
A triad of principles:   
Respect, Honesty, Consideration.   
So with that   
I have prepared two options:  
  
Do I go with, option A:  
“Thanks! I dunno, they’re *fine*”—  
  
Or do I slay with option B:   
“I know, **riiiiiiiiiiggggght**?!”   
  
What is the most polite reply?  
  
And am I meant to follow up with:  
“And *your* boobs are great, too!”  
  
Or do I just cover myself   
with the crisp lilac-scented sheet   
and pretend that  
this never happened?  
  
I don’t remember   
reading about this  
in your etiquette book,   
so your insights   
are most kindly appreciated.  
  
Ever yours,  
Busted in the Suburbs  
  
  
**P.S.:**   
Emily, for the record I went with:  
  
“Thanks, um, well, um.  
“They’re big right?   
"I had beef pho on Thursday night; salt retention.  
"Oh that reminds me.  
“I had a mammogram on Friday morning.  
"You know, the morning after the Pho?  
"I was water-logged, clearly.  
"So the technician had to redo both sides,   
and size up, she had to grab the *BIG* plate!”   
Upon no response, I fell silent.  
I hid. Under the blanket.  
I then stared through the toilet bowl-shaped face hole   
and wait for three ice ages to pass.  
Until both masseuses, and my friend  
left the room ninety-four minutes later.  
  
**P.P.S.:**   
This was the rightest answer, right?   
Please?   
Please?   
Right?   
Ms. Post?   
Why aren’t you answering me?