To: Ms.Emily Post
Dear Emily,
Please do help me
in my hour of need.
What is the correct, proper way
to respond when your
neighbor-slash-walking
partner-slash friend
exclaims, in front of a stranger:
“Whoa! Your breasts are GREAT!
“How have I never seen them before???”
For further context,
in this situation you are topless
freshly undressed
for a couples massage
— make that two separate massages
at the same time in the same room —
and you are in the midst of
that three-second jump
from the locker area
to the massage table
and you are exposed
for the slimmest of seconds
and yet attract
all the attention in the room?
And you’re only there
in this surreality
because you’d
already gotten your
dip mani on Monday
and you didn’t need to go
to the nail salon again
for her appointment on Thursday
and you didn’t have it in you
to meet for drinks
on Friday night
after the Pajama-ing Hour.
and yet
you still want to bond
and reunite
after three weeks
of being countries apart
from your shared exercise
and gossiping routine.
So you settle on:
“Yes, sure!
“I’ll attend a massage with you.
“Why not!”
Because, Ms. Post,
in the dim candlelight
of a Thai massage room
here I am with my bosom friend.
And she has given
my untethered pair a shout-out.
And I need to know,
like, now.
And I know you uphold
A triad of principles:
Respect, Honesty, Consideration.
So with that
I have prepared two options:
Do I go with, option A:
“Thanks! I dunno, they’re fine”—
Or do I slay with option B:
“I know, riiiiiiiiiiggggght?!”
What is the most polite reply?
And am I meant to follow up with:
“And your boobs are great, too!”
Or do I just cover myself
with the crisp lilac-scented sheet
and pretend that
this never happened?
I don’t remember
reading about this
in your etiquette book,
so your insights
are most kindly appreciated.
Ever yours,
Busted in the Suburbs
P.S.:
Emily, for the record I went with:
“Thanks, um, well, um.
“They’re big right?
"I had beef pho on Thursday night; salt retention.
"Oh that reminds me.
“I had a mammogram on Friday morning.
"You know, the morning after the Pho?
"I was water-logged, clearly.
"So the technician had to redo both sides,
and size up, she had to grab the BIG plate!”
Upon no response, I fell silent.
I hid. Under the blanket.
I then stared through the toilet bowl-shaped face hole
and wait for three ice ages to pass.
Until both masseuses, and my friend
left the room ninety-four minutes later.
P.P.S.:
This was the rightest answer, right?
Please?
Please?
Right?
Ms. Post?
Why aren’t you answering me?
