It's midday on a Wednesday
when I enter an exclusive building.
My eyes adjust to the dark interior.
I walk towards the host desk.
I'm greeted
by soothing voices:
"Sit there and relax
until we're ready for you."
When they summon me,
I pre-pay for my experience.
Better to get the pain of price
out of the way; the feeling's mutual.
I am ushered into
a dimly-lit room, given a robe.
"Valuables, in the locker there.
Here's a key for your use."
My assigned Activities Director
conducts a brief assessment.
She asks if I fear tight spaces.
No, I reply. "Great," she closes.
"Let's get started!
Follow me." So chipper.
She leads me into the room
where the magic happens.
She asks me to disrobe
helps me lay down
on an oddly shaped table,
place my face through a hole.
"I thought this would feel
more calming." I quip,
not sure what else to say.
I see her sneer, her lip tight.
I let my head fall deeply
into the cradle. I purposefully
release my muscle groups,
yielding to the table.
"Put your arms up here."
She points; I presume.
Though I can't see,
I obey her.
"Now, re-laaaaax.
Don't move.
Stay still!"
"Make slow, shallow breaths.
Don't talk.
Just be."
Very new age.
OK I'll try.
I melt deeper into the table.
Me time!
Finally.
I'm still edgy.
I close my eyes.
"Would you like music?"
"Sure."
I shrug horizontally.
"Don't move!"
"Right."
"Don't Talk!"
"Mmmh."
I feel earphones shoved
onto my ears. Omph.
A classical symphony
crackles in my ears.
Chopin?
Anyway.
So far, it's less peaceful than
I had imagined. Oh well.
You're burning dollars, regardless.
So enjoy it! I scold myself.
"We'll begin shortly.
Be calm! Gentle breaths."
I roll my closed eyes.
OK I got it! I think.
She rolls my table forward.
"I'll set up now," she narrates.
Enough with the exposition!
I snark inwardly. Let's gooooo.
"We'll do a series of four,
and five-minute durations."
She continues.
"Mmmph."
I reply, weakly, head-down.
I attempt the challenge of
"calm, shallow breaths."
It feels oxymoronic.
I'm not certain I'm nailing it.
"We'll begin!" She states.
I hear a fuzzy whirring
all around me
as sounds encircle me.
DUH!-DUH!-DUH!-DUH!-DUH!
My brain fills with base.
Hmm. This sound bath is...
a little intense.
"CALMER!" she commands.
Not sure that helps me, either.
Di!-deie!-di!-deie!-di-deie!
My body is awash in noise.
UMPZH!-UMphz!-UMPZH!
Percussive jolts surround me,
as if my heart is beating
on the surface of my skin
instead of inside my ribs.
Nauh-Naugh-Nuaght-Naughhh
Why am I so wired?
This is just like me, unable to chill.
This is my moment to rest.
Can't I ever turn off my thoughts?
Buuhn!-Buuhn!-Buuhn!-Buhhn!
I wanna rock my head to the beat.
I also don't want her to yell at me.
Umpz!-umpz!-umpz!-umpz!
My chest plate aches
from its spot lodged on the table.
I guess I can't move, I reason.
Tii!-Tii!-Tii!-Dnmph-Tii-Tii!
So, OK, I feel silly now.
I'm not convinced I like this...
Surely not $500 well-spent.
Bauht!-Bauht!-Bauht!-Bauht!
Maybe I can get my money back?
I'd ask her, but...
She was insistent I stay quiet.
A little strict on it, really.
Dunnmh-Dunmh-Dunmh-Dunmh
My whole torso feels numb now.
My forehead definitely has a
deep pressure mark up the middle.
I am waning in my desire to be here.
My ears
feel like
they're
bleeding.
Mnnh!-Mnnh!-Mnnh!-Mnhh!
And
then, finally, blessedly:
s i l e n c e.
I feel my table roll back.
Neither celebrating
nor chastising me,
she says simply:
"You are done."
Well that was abrupt.
"Um, is there a sauna
or something?" I bargain.
I'm not ready to return
to the land of Wednesday.
She frowns at me. "No."
"Your results come in a week.
Refer to your medical portal.
Get dressed, take your key."
I go gather my belongings:
my metallic ring and earrings.
my silver ion threaded yoga pants.
my underwire bra.
As I grab my purse, my iwatch,
my car key, my phone,
I become bionic once more,
inseparable from tech.
I exit the restricted MRI suite,
traipse through a nondescript
Radiology lobby, and
enter the sunny parking lot.
In three to five business days
I'll learn if my little med spa
excursion was worth the hassle.
(My money's on "Normal,"
because that's what I get
for paying hundreds of bucks
out of pocket to verify my health.
Chump!)
While we wait for absolution,
me and my extremely dense breasts
back out of our spot
and merge onto the open highway.
For our road trip,
we blast the song
Hello
by Martin Solveig and Dragonette
on Apple Music CarPlay.
Duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-du-duh!
The beat; it's catchy.
Sticks with you.
Like a sound bath.
= = =
(Spoiler alert: I'm fine.)
