Morning, Kitchen:
Kid: Did you wear green?
Me: No I forgot —
Kid: I'm gonna pinch you!
Me: Please can you not?
- - -
Afternoon, Foyer:
Kid: Ashley didn't wear green today!
Me: You didn't pin —
Kid: I pinched her!!
Me: Did she consent to that?
Kid: And Taylor didn't either!
Me: Please tell me that you —
Kid: I pinched her too!
- - -
Evening, Kitchen:
Him: I forgot to buy corned beef
Me: It's OK. It would've needed
to cook for hours anyway."
Kid: Can we have pizza?
Him: Didn't you have pizza for lunch?
Me: What about sheet pan dinner?
The brats and broccoli
and mini potatoes?
Him, mischievous: I have an idea!
[He reveals enormous red box]
Kid: LUCKY CHARMS!!!!!!
Me: [soul sucking grimace]
Kid: THIS IS THE BEST DAY EVER!
Him: [quiet, assured simile of success]
Family minus me:
[sits down to engulf eight cups
of dry, frosted extruded grain meal
and dessicated sugar lumps
with Red D40 and probably lead.]
Me: Charming.
- - -
Evening, Dark Corner, Family Room:
Me: [Skulks off.]
Me, again:
[Eats vanilla ice cream
covered in Fruity Pebbles,
with Red D40 and probably lead,
and whipped cream
and marshmallows]
Me to self: "Taste the rainbow!"
[weak, half-earnest laugh]
Me, still:
"Wait, that's the wrong slogan."
Me thrice:
"Stop talking to yourself."
[sigh]
//End Scene//
- - -
This St. Patrick's Day,
my family is
as colorful as ever.
Here's to
ridding your life
of snakes and serpents.
And to filling their void
with semi-edible,
mostly toxic,
all-American food products.
